GIRLS: A Season Five Synopsis

At an “on the down-low” Banksy exhibit in DUMBO, Shoshana’s fiancée breaks off their engagement, declaring that he is gender reassigning. Lovelorn Shosh swears off men forever and accidently joins Boko Haram, thinking it’s the African Peace Corps. Hannah, needing an assignment for her nonfiction workshop, believes a travelogue about liberating Shosh from the Boko fanatics will be perfect. Ignoring Adam’s objections, Hannah, Marnie, and Jessa disguise themselves as Saudi Arabian princesses and jet off to northern Nigeria to free Shosh.

On the plane, Jessa meets dashing UN relief worker Maurice (Andy Dick), who agrees to guide them to the Boko lair, which is nestled deep in the Mandarra Mountains of northwest Nigeria. Arriving at Camp Boko by camelback, they find Shosh forced into labor in the Jihadi Seamstress Brigade. While negotiating Shosh’s release, the team’s cover is blown when dyspeptic Boko leader Al-á-Po (Al Pacino) becomes suspicious of their bandana burkas. He tosses them all in jail for being Western spies.

However, Al-á-Po is smitten by the plucky Hannah and decides to grant them their freedom on one condition: Hannah must water-ski jump over a pool of man-eating crocodiles. Clad in a Sharia-approved, hand-stitched monochromatic swimsuit with a Peter Pan collar, Hannah hits the ramp and barely clears the snapping crocs. Enraged at being foiled by an infidel hipster, Al-á-Po finds an obscure Quran passage that allows him to renege on his word. Hannah argues that Al-á-Po’s analysis is derived from a misguided phallocentric reading of the text. Al-á-Po rejects Hannah’s reader-oriented hermeneutical perspective, so it’s back to the clink for the gals and Maurice.

In the hoosegow, Hannah recalls a MacGyver trick involving mountain beetles and human urine that powers her iPhone just enough to make one last call. She dials Adam, who is in Hollywood filming a part in the Michael Bay Transformers prequel, Megatron Diaper Boy. After “quiet on the set” is announced, Adam’s phone chimes loudly, and he answers it without thinking. A shell-shocked Adam listens to Hannah as she hyperventilates through her account of the girls’ dire predicament; she makes a desperate plea for help just as her iPhone goes dead.

Hannah’s call has ruined an elaborate flying fecal bot stunt, and the dyspeptic Bay spews forth a volcanic torrent of invectives against Adam. Mortified, Adam launches into a passionate soliloquy on freedom, dignity, and the desperate plight of the girls coupled with his own eternal on-again, off-again love for Hannah. Sensing a reality TV opportunity with political upsides, Bay softens on his director’s stool and hatches a plan called Distract and Extract with his poker buddies, Jerry Bruckheimer and James Cameron. Together, they are Bay’s Boys.

Via satellite, Bay’s Boys transmit a 500-story-tall projection of Rambo: First Blood II onto the side of Mandarra Mountain. The spectacle causes thousands to flock into the surrounding valley and cheer Sly’s 96-minute homoerotic killing spree. Before Act II ends, Bay’s Boys, while piloting decommissioned Blackhawk helicopters, swoop into the now-empty Boko camp and rescue the girls and Maurice.

Later, at an “on thedown-low” oval office marriage ceremony, a grateful Obama (Brian Dennehy) makes Jessa and Maurice’s prison-born romance official. Biden (Christopher Walken) stage whispers into Hannah’s ear canal “that rescue mission was fucking Argo on PCP.”

On the White House lawn, Bay beckons to Adam from the open door of a waiting chopper, blasting Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.”Turning to Hannah, Adam says, “I’ve got a movie to finish, kiddo.”

As a single tear streams down her cheek, Hannah replies, “And I’ve a got an Iowa Writers Program nonfiction workshop story to dictate.” After a tender embrace, Adam ducks into the helicopter and Hannah waves goodbye as it takes off into the setting sun.

Pat Ryan is a San Francisco–based lawyermusician.



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